god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
