Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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