So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just cropdusted the office
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
