Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
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