im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
