I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
