Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
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They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
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If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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