And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
