Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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