just come out here and I will go home with you...
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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