all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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