so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
