Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
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And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
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I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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