remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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