Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
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She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
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Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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