...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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