Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Randomize
