I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
