My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
