A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
