I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just invented taco cereal.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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