Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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