I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
