Umm I'm too high to move.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
