Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You can't special order awesome
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
