They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
