Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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