You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
