i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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