a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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