she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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