THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
barbara walters just said penis...
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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