my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
