i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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