It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
