Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
