We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
