Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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