i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
