Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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