It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
