I wish I could teleport
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
