he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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