The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize