I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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