He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
