Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
