i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
