Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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