i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
