Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
