she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
