i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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