Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Randomize
