I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Is it penis luge time yet?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
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