I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
