speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I will pee on everything he values.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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