It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
